Just Some Thoughts

I'm a hypocrite. I tell people things but I don't believe them. I don't live by them. I tell people that life gets better. I tell people that they shouldn't self-harm. I tell people that there is someone out there that is the right person for them. I'm not sure life gets better. I still self-harm. I think I'm going to be forever alone. So why do we tell people these things? Are we trying to reassure ourselves as much as we are trying to reassure them? Do we just say it because we assume it's the right thing to say?

This is really random but I wanted to share it anyway. There's this thing at the camp I went to called ring circle. Basically we sing then share prayer requests and then pray. When we pray we cross our arms- right over left- and hold hands. Two times during camp I got to stand next to my friend (we'll call him Bob). Bob and I would link hands as someone started to pray. Every once in a while we would drop hands because one of us had an itch or something. Eventually our hands met again and he would grab my hand with his hand. He would hold my hand really tight. Bob's grip on my hand made me feel comforted. It made me feel like someone cared if only for a couple of minutes. I know that he has no clue what's going on in my life but it still made me feel like someone was there for me. I wish I could tell him that. But since I can't do that I needed to share it somewhere. So thanks Bob. It really meant a lot.

Inspiration

I'd honestly say my biggest inspiration is Black Veil Brides. Their lyrics and their message are all about never giving in and being yourself. They tell you it doesn't matter what anyone thinks as long as you're being you. I love this message. I wish I could live by it more. I wish I wasn't afraid of what people think or say about me. But aren't we all? Even just a little? We all care deep down about at least one person's opinion of us. It may be a boss, a family member, a friend or a partner. But there is someone we don't want to be judged or looked down upon by. Why does it bug me if I know everyone feels that way? Maybe it's because I feel like I can't say BVB is my inspiration if I don't live by their message. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm letting them down.

Posers

I hate posers. I was at camp for two weeks- I just got home a couple of days ago. At the beginning of camp I mentioned Black Veil Brides while talking to a couple of my friends. The girl got excited and began to say that she loves to listen to them. In the next couple of days we were sitting on a picnic table with our iPods and I asked if she had any BVB on hers. She said she didn't because she was afraid of what her parents and sisters would think or say. That pissed me off. BVB's whole message is about being yourself and not giving a fuck what anyone else thinks. But can I really complain? I myself am a poser. This camp I was at was a church camp I've gone to every year including the year I was born. I used to consider myself a Christian. But now I don't really. I'm not religious. I'm not faithful. But at camp and at church I pretend to be. So do I really have a right to be mad at other people when I do the very same thing? So many people do things like this though. You act different around your friends than you act around your family. You act different with your significant other. You act different when you are alone. I know this is true. So why does it bug me so much?

Judgement

For no apparent reason I've always thought of emos as being non-judgmental. Maybe it's because we've had to deal with being judged and we know how it feels so we ourselves wouldn't pass judgement. I've realized that this is incorrect. Emos judge people. You can't deny it. We call people preps based off of how they look and act. We hate them because of it. That's just as bad as people hating us for wearing black or dying our hair. Everybody judges people. Hell, my dad even judges me. Today while in Hot Topic I was showing him a shirt I wanted. It happened to be a Black Veil Brides shirt. Then we were talking about some of the other shirts and I came to find a blue All Time Low shirt. I pointed it out, saying that it was cool. He proceeded to say, "I like that. It's more your style." That pissed me off. I pointed to the BVB shirt and said that something like that was my style. He told me it wasn't. I raised my voice and said that he didn't know what my style was and that he wasn't in my head. Has he ever stopped to think that maybe I don't dress the way I want to because I don't have the clothes. The clothes I have aren't all what I would consider my 'style.' I wear them but they don't always describe me. Maybe that's why I wear them. So people can't figure me out. But no matter what the situation or reason, we all pass judgement. We pass judgement and then complain about others passing judgement. The only way others will stop is if you stop. Change can happen. But it starts with YOU.

Attention

Almost everybody accuses emos of being, "attention-seeking whores." We all deny it. We say we're not looking for attention. We just want someone to help. Someone to care.But by attempting to get people to notice us and our problems are we not seeking attention? I've recently realized. We are seeking attention. Everyone is. It's part of human nature. We all just want to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. It's a simple goal really. But by doing so we are seeking attention. But emos aren't the only ones. We just get called out because we are different. If and/or when we do get the attention what happens? Well I'll tell you. A few days ago I was texting a friend. Her boyfriend and her had just broken up. She asked if him and I had texted that day. I told her we hadn't and that nobody really texted me anymore (I didn't mention that if they did it's because someone else stopped texting them and they were bored). She said she was sorry and she would text me more. Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I want someone to acknowledge me and care? That's what I thought I wanted. But then I found myself saying that it was fine and I was used to it. If that's what I wanted why was I denying it? It doesn't make any sense.Being human is a mystery. And each time we think we have something figured out, something new that we don't understand pops up. Will we ever understand life?

Getting It Off Your Chest

So many emo people say that nobody understands them. Some may say that they just haven't explained it well or they are keeping it locked up. In some cases this is probably true. But other times, we do try to tell the people we care about that we are hurting. The problem isn't that we can't explain it, it's that they don't listen. From my personal experience, people just won't understand. I've tried hinting to my 'friends' that something's wrong and I've straight up told them that my smiles and happiness is fake. They said, "I know..." But they don't know or care because right after they said that they continued talking about their problems and being selfish. Is it really so hard for people to listen to one another? Is the world really so fucked up that we can't think about someone else's needs if only for a couple minutes? I don't understand this. I've always been there for my 'friends' when they are having trouble and I've never complained to them about it. Why can't they do the same for me? Why can't people listen to emos?

Self-Harm

Self-harm is almost always associated with emo people. Do all emos self-harm? No. Do some? Yes. I myself never understood why people would want to self harm. I never understood how it could help. Plus I've always been sensitive to pain. You see, when I get pissed off I cry. I almost never notice sadness anymore and if I do I never cry about it. I can't. I'm physically incapable of crying unless I'm pissed off. One day- when I still cried when I was sad- I scratched my arm. Just like I had an itch- only harder. And it helped. More recently if I'm angry I'll grab a tack or scissors- or if I have to I'll use my nail- and scratch myself. It stops the tears instantly. Everything fades away and I feel calm. I never break the skin. I know it could lead to something more. But how could something that helps people be bad? This I do not know. But what I do know is that I'm trying to stop. Starting today. If you self-harm, please try to stop. I know it's hard but there are people out there who will help. Just try. It'll be worth it when you're still alive and you can help others.